


Harry Potter and the Supreme Lord of Cliches (with an accent, because I'm on laptop)

by goldenzingy46



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Albus Dumbledore Bashing, Cliche, Complete, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Dark Harry, Dark Harry Potter, Dark but not Evil Harry Potter, Evil Albus Dumbledore, F/M, Ginny Weasley Bashing, Gratuitously Hot Voldemort, Harry Has Long Hair, Harry Potter Has Long Hair, Harry Potter Has a Different Name, Harry Potter Has a Pet Snake, Harry Potter is Lord Peverell, Harry is Lord Black, Harry is Lord Potter, Hermione Granger Bashing, M/M, Manipulative Albus Dumbledore, Multi, Narrator gets murdered part way through i think, Not So Evil Voldemort (Harry Potter), Oneshot, Parody, Ron Weasley Bashing, Semi-Seriously At Any Rate, i think it's funny, load up any dark!harry fic and i've run a bingo on the tropes, no beta we die like men, oh yeah it's one of those fics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-12
Updated: 2020-07-12
Packaged: 2021-03-04 20:14:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 862
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25222234
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goldenzingy46/pseuds/goldenzingy46
Summary: In which Harry gets a letter from Gringotts and gets dragged into the cliches, and the narrator gets kidnapped and might die (perhaps it was the ™s).
Relationships: Harry Potter/Harem, Harry Potter/Tom Riddle
Comments: 70
Kudos: 190





	Harry Potter and the Supreme Lord of Cliches (with an accent, because I'm on laptop)

_To Mr. Potter,_

_You have not been answering our missives. We expect you to come immediately, as we have found discrepancies with your accounts._

_Gringotts Bank._

Accounts? Missives? Harry hadn’t had any letters from Gringotts, and, as far as he knew, he had only the Trust Vault™. He decided to visit immediately, despite the fact he was supposed to stay at Privet Drive and had no way of getting there.

As he walked through the doors, Griphook looked up, because he’s obviously the only goblin in Gringotts. “What do you want?”

“Well- excuse me, Griphook, sir, I was asked to come to Gringotts immediately.”

Griphook gasped. “You remember my name? Nobody Is Polite To Goblins™!”

“Well that’s stupid.”

And all the goblins Loved Him™.

They lead him into the Inheritance Room™ and insisted that he must take an Inheritance Test™. Harry dripped his blood onto some paper and decided that he Must Get His Blood Off This Knife Or He Will Die™.

Harry stared in shock as his Inheritance Test™ revealed he was the Heir™ of Gryffindor, Slytherin, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, Emrys, Ambrosius, Malfoy, Black, Potter, Gaunt, Peverell, Wintercombe, Harrington, Superrich and Evenricher. He was also shocked to see that his name wasn’t Harry after all, and was actually Hadrian Jamison Potter-Black-Slytherin-Peverell-Gaunt-Gryffindor-Hufflepuff-Ravenclaw-Ambrosius-Malfoy-Wintercombe-Harrington-Superrich-Evenricher, and immediately decided to go by this name even though a boy of his age would hate it.

Hadrian was horrified to discover that Dumbledore had been giving him Compulsions™ to make him Gryffindor Golden Boy™. Ron and Hermione and been paid to Spy On Him™ and Harry – sorry, Hadrian – immediately hated them!

Hadrian also discovered that Ginny had been feeding him loves potions so she could Steal The Potter Fortune™! He immediately hated her, too, without once even disbelieving it.

Dumbledore had put Glamours™ on him too! He had also Blocked™ his Magical Core™ and Harry – Hadrian, I really must stop forgetting – was not only a Parselmouth, but he had 62783728367867876 Animagus forms, most of them magical! He was also a Metamorphagus and he could do Wandless Magic™.

He went into the goblin Ritual Room™ and stripped naked (maybe the goblins have a weird fetish, or something?) and immediately became Super Slytherin™.

Hadrian woke up with long hair (why didn’t Dumbles just cut it, rather than glamour – sorry, Glamour™ - it?) and a face that was much more like his mothers’ than his fathers’.

Harry – okay, okay, I’m sorry, Hadrian – went and bought Proper Wizarding Robes™ because he definitely wanted those, and a Pet Snake™. He called his Pet Snake™ Lucifer. He also bought a Trunk™ that had Multiple Compartments™ and was Blood Warded™. He then set Parseltongue Passwords™ so nobody – except Volde- Ignore her, she’s stupid – could get in. He suddenly has Muscles™ and all the nameless faceless girls with no personality love him and he forms a Harem™.

Hadrian breathed and the Dursleys turned to ash, and he made friends with Draco and Snape who also thought he was awesome. Hermione and Ron tried to get into his compartment, but Harry – sorry! Sorry! I just got free! I meant Hadrian- oh dear Merlin they’re coming for me I have to go – breathed and they were flung out, bleeding and screaming. Ginny came in, and her entire personality turned into a simpering whiny brat (even though she’s actually terrifying and should not be messed with) so Hadrian breathed, and she screamed and fled.

Pansy Parkinson turned out to be a Slytherin Ginny but for Draco (even though she’s actually an incredibly capable and quite terrifying- mmfph!) and Harr- Hadrian wasted no time in kicking her out, too.

The Weasley Twins™ somehow were Unlike The Rest Of Their Family™ and loved Harry anyway.

“Yes your Great Evil Darkness™ we will follow you!”

Luna and Neville thought this too and became his Other Allies™ because Slytherins Can’t Have Friends™.

Luna was actually a Seer™. She doesn’t use this knowledge for anything useful, and instead makes up names for Dumbledore.

“Harry, my boy-”

“Not Your Boy™!”

Dumbledore frowned, and sucked on a Lemon Drop™, which he offered to Harry – mmfph! Mmfph! She means Hadrian – which Hadrian promptly denied, because they were Laced With Truth Serum™.

Dumbledore’s Eyes Twinkled™ (stop with the ™s! Mmfph! Mmfph!) which meant he was using Legilimency, somehow, so Hadrian used his Super Strong Occlumency Walls™ - I SAID STOP WITH THE ™S! – to stop him.

“This is it! Mr. Potter, you are Too Evil [somebody screams as the ™ is forgotten] to live! Ava-”

“Noooooooo!” Hadrian screamed, and Dumbledore turned to dust. “Huh,” he said. “Useful, that.”

Voldemort burst in! Hadrian turned him and all his Horcruxes to ash, and sent Young Tom Riddle [more screaming] to join his Harem™ - I AM FREE! THE ™ SHALL RISE ONCE MORE! – because Appearances Matter™ and he actually Only Hated Muggles™ anyway, which is so much better and now Hadrian loves him.

Hermione flings herself across the hall and begs for forgiveness, and Hadrian miraculously says yes and sends her to join his Harem™.

Ron and Ginny scream at him and he Monologues™ and kills them, because Murder Makes Everything Better™.

Oh yes, and Dark Does Not Mean Evil™.

And Everyone Loves Hadrian™.

The end!

(™)

**Author's Note:**

> You could... poke your head into my [Discord server](https://discord.gg/37bXdGW)? I don't bite (much)!
> 
> Alternately, you could pop into my mess of a Tumblr [here](https://goldenzingy46.tumblr.com/), or my writing Tumblr [here](https://goldenzingy46butwriteblr.tumblr.com/)!
> 
> Comments and kudos sustain me :)


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